Bleh....

So hello...

I haven't blogged a lot lately. Figured that I would since Tara did...lol. I love you too babe and I have no idea how I would make it through the stupid shit without you. You are my soul-mate and yes it is kind of creepy that we are connected at the brain but I LOVE IT!

*SO*

Bill and I have hit our 10 year blahs just at the same time you guys did. I love him he is a wonderful father to the Storm but sometimes I feel like I am ready to pack up and runaway. I have pondered it many times over the last few weeks. Why is it so hard for him to just appreciate me or act like I have a place in his heart. He breaks his back everyday to support us and I have tried so hard over the last few years to make him feel loved and appreciated. Even on days he isn't too pleasing. I love him and love to hate him...lol. Some days I want to smother him with a pillow till he is blue let him breathe and repeat! He seems to be coming around slowly to the realization that I may not always be here. He is losing himself in the process though I think. He has quit gaming, which I said he does to much of but it is his hobby and would not expect him to quit completely. Everquest 2 is his thing and I am glad he has it and we have made some awesome friends there but seeing him rot away in a computer chair for 4ish years is craziness. He just needs to learn how to moderate it. Bill is a one way thinker though its all or nothing, and nothing is right unless Bill thinks so cause...simply so he puts it "Cause I am Bill its what I do (think, believe, ect..)". He was ready to leave when I sat him down to have a talk with him about living our lives instead of living like we are 50+. I am 27 and ready to have fun. I want to go out and do things. He said he feels like he is holding me back and was ready to get an apartment. I have decided that if he mentions it again that I will not stop him. I will let him go and find a way to support my household. As of right now though it seems like things are going a bit smoother. I have also decided to stop telling him how I feel. If one of us left right now it would crush my 4 yr old and I am not ready to have that guilt on my heart. I am sucking it up and living in comfort. I am keeping my mouth shut and letting him be happy. BUT.... I am going to be myself! I am going out when I want if he is there fine if not GIRLS NIGHT!! I told him I need a weekend a month to myself also to try and gather myself and find who I am. I married at 17 I went from being a kid in my Dads house to being a adult, wife, and mother. I don't want to look back and regret the choices I have made or stifle my life because he wants to be a fuddy duddy! So...Tara get your butt in gear homie we are going to find us one step at a time and we will do it together. WE CAN DO IT! If it wasn't for you I really dunno what I would have done when he said he was ready to go. I know I didn't talk a whole lot but the hours of sitting on the phone listening to you type and yelling at Hag made me feel better. I love you Babers!

Had a great day with the family for Easter! We grilled out and hunted eggs and stuffs. The kids got lots of candy and the adults got to eat it =) Although after we ate everyone decided it was nap time so we packed up our kids and came home. I love spending time with my bestie she makes my day so much better! The world could end and we would kick Satan out of his chair and make him paint our toenails =) I have no idea what I would do without her!!! I love you Kristin! my mind races on a daily but she calms the storm we are both having issues right now. Bleh! It never fails if my toe hurts hers does if she has a headache I do if my man is an asshole hers is you know it's the soul-mate friendship of all time I swear.I just wish I could snap my fingers and make the world so much better and I can't I don't know how to fix either one of our problems and it kills me to know that this pain is here for the duration =( It's crazy because I fell in love with a man a lot like my father and now I am falling out at the same age I was when my parents got divorced. It broke my fucking heart when my dad left for Texas and my mom remarried. I can not imagine doing that to my baby. My life has been a joke since I was born and has just gotten worse as an adult. No matter how hard I try to be a good person and not make the same mistakes my parents did I always mess up! I always stumble and I can't breath on most days while I try so hard to fight the outcome of my life. I do love the man I am with but I have not been in love with him in I can't tell you how long. When the man you sleep next to every night makes you want to cry yourself to sleep, well it's time to make you happy. I will eventually or I will suffocate in this hell I call life. Enough of my rants for the night I hope everyone's Easter was great have a wonderful week ahead !!!!!!!!!1 <(=o}